If ever I have a baby one day, Im hoping and praying it will be a
boy coz I dun want it to go thru the sufferings I have went thru as a female. There are many and countless numbers of double standards and I dun want my child to be in any pain in any ways. I have so far lived my life the way a grl should, u noe the usuals, tau jage diri n all and im not complaining -
yet. Those, i believe, are essentials for any human being be it male or female.
But i think, there's boundaries in everythynk, exceptions in every rule? I envy those grls that enjoy life to the fullest and still noe now to jage maruah diri and everythynk. I reallie do. Because, at least they have the choice to be living in the way they want to. Free in spirits.
Im not sure how ppl catergorise me either. Neither do myself. Im just a lone individual. I feel bad when I do things that I shouldnt (or tt my parents disapprove) and I cant bring myself to do thngs tt my parents just dun approve of. So i dun. And having ppl mock and laugh at me for these things that i din do, are part of the things tt i consider, a quiet long pinch inside.
It might not affect me, but after a while, a bruise forms. And it gets a sharp pain now and then when sumthynk knocks on it.
Aneways, the guys are basically seen as the
getaway for everythynk. They can get a away with anythynk and everythynk. They will love the ladies their heart hold and keep them ladies close to them. but once the love is gone, they are able to completely leave them.
They fight when meeting acquaintance, but they'll turn to lifetime frenz to whomever they fight on their ferst meeting. They smoke, drink, club, pop the pills, slp around etc2, but in the end, if they are back to their partners, itz ok, coz grls, being grls
(and im declaring, not all grls) settle for tt. They think, hey at least at the end of the day, he's thinking bout ME. The others are just some fun. Reverse it and u get a slut.
Basically, my life is free of all these nonsense, but
YET. at the end of the day, no matter how i fight battles in my head everyday, re-logic everythynk in my head from different perspective, i always end up with the wrong perspective, the wrong answer. I'll be the kasar and the biadap, not understanding piece of shit.
And that is, the WHOLE point.
The whole point of me thinking, wad is my purpose?
It is a sad fact, to have laughters booming around you, joining in.. sumtimes being a part of it, sumtimes being the cause of it, sumtimes, just being the joke of everythynk.
AND i am truly
sick and tired of the guys in skool commenting on my boobs. or pinching or slamming thier hands on my back. seriouslie, the joke wears off. SERIOUSLIE.
Aneways, yeah, sad to have shared laughters and yet solidarity when it comes to cries and tears.
Back to the whole point;
sumtimes, i get so lonely, i make-believe an imaginary friend. Sumtimes, an imaginary hero. It varies, but one thing is certain. the face is always the same. I cry and pour my hearts out to him. Sumtimes, i make-believe hugs.
Maybe he's right.
Im just a 14 yr old in a 21 yr old.
It still hurts.
It's just, i feel so confined in my mind, it hurts.
It hurts so, so much...
mebbe the whole thing of doing and making rights are finally catching up with me, damaging my strength that ive long built up...
And im real scared, of losing just about eveythynk familiar.
I guess what im tryna say is, im guilty of trying to please the ones i love, but it will never be enough.
Im always sumthynk missing...People dun now how lucky they are when they can go out of the house without the feeling of guilt.
They dun noe how lucky they are when they can thoroughly enjoy their night without worries.
Im dying, always living in guilt.
Guilt when im driving the car.
Guilt when i head out.
Guilt when I hafter lie who im with, since i only have one person in my whole entire life.
Guilt when I retaliate back for making me
feel guilty.
This guilt is eating me out.
ASSYADIKA JALIL
